There are many aspects to loving ‘what is’, but today let’s look at relationships, specifically intimate ones and close friendships. We’ve already talked about how damaging it is to both people in the relationship if one or both of you is trying to change the other. It just doesn’t work.
The alternative is to accept the other person just the way they are (or to love ‘what is’). I can already hear the questions, so let me address a few.
Q) But what if the way she is now annoys me?
A) If you cannot love her just the way she is, then consider if the relationship is a good one for you. Perhaps you are better off loving her from a distance and not being close friends or intimate partners.
Q) But if he really loved me, wouldn’t he care about my feelings and do things differently?
A) Maybe. It depends what we’re talking about. If he loves you and he learns that saying a certain phrase upsets you, he may choose not to say that phrase, and may consciously choose other words to convey his feelings or thoughts to you.
However, he may love you and also not be willing to change his behavior. Then it’s up to you to decide what you are comfortable with. You will have to determine: How important is that to you? Is it a deal-breaker for you? Does it disrespect you?
Q) I know that you’re not suggesting that we stay connected to someone who is mean to us or disrespects us. But how do we know — where is that fine line?
A) Only you can know the answer that is right for you. Here’s one way to tell if it’s a cute eccentricity or if it’s something that is a bigger deal for you: Let’s say your partner has a habit of leaving crumbs on the kitchen counter. You don’t like this behavior. Now imagine that your partner has died. You come into the kitchen one day and find crumbs on the counter. If this makes you miss your partner and think lovingly of him/her, then it’s not a big deal to you. You can learn to accept it and be okay with it.
Q) What if I think that my way of doing something is really a better way?
A) My question back to you would be: Does it matter? As Dr. Phil so famously has asked, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” Ask yourself why it’s so important to prove that you’re right, especially to someone who loves you. What is the benefit of proving who is right and who is wrong? Does it further the relationship or deepen the connection between you? If not, then let it go.
Accepting ‘what is’ is not something that happens overnight. It is a process of letting go, of no longer caring about things that don’t matter, and of valuing the love between you. When you place your priority on growing the love and improving your connection, it’s amazing how many things become inconsequential.
Are you loving ‘what is’? Please share…